


The Inpatient Diaries

by therealalex12



Category: Real life - Fandom
Genre: Abuse, Diary/Journal, Homicidal Thoughts, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2018-12-30 03:53:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12100140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therealalex12/pseuds/therealalex12
Summary: The diary entries from my most recent hospitalization.





	1. 9/12/17 - 48 Hours Remain

Dear diary,

Well, look where I am now, after a wait worse than the Toy Story ride at Disney World. 2 hours my ass! To be honest, Linden Oaks in Naperville is a lot nicer, both aesthetically and staff wise, but at least they let me use my Chromebook for school.  But there's this one stuck up bitch who I CANNOT stand. She ran out of school over a GODDAMN EXTENDED DAY, and prides herself on the fact that she can and will drop out of school.  I HAVE NO GODDAMN CHOICE OF DROPPING OUT. I physically and mentally can't function in a school environment, and will most likely be stuck working a minimum wage job for the rest of my life while she and her dumbass PINK brand lounge wear get to fly on by.  I want to punch her so fucking bad, you wouldn't believe it.  She has it so good, while I'm a depressed, anxious, and retarded piece of shit. Anyway, 48 hours remain until we know if Joey Hiveswap will say "Fuck".

~Alex


	2. 9/13/17 - 24 Hours Remain

Dear diary,

Fuck it, I'm writing early. That little whore from yesterday is back at it again.  She said that all people who try to commit suicide and get scared are stupid, along with those who tell others and leave a note.  I was already prepared to start some discourse earlier after someone suggested calling the cops when your significant other says they'll commit suicide or self harm if you break up with them is extra.  You want to know what's extra? Making props 2 times your size and rigging them with LEDs, that's extra. Calling the cops on someone in danger is HUMAN FUCKING DECENCY, but I digress.  I was already pissed as fuck from that, so when Miss High School Dropout opened her fucking mouth, I was ready to bitch-slap her.  She looked on with a smug smile on her lips as a nurse dragged me away.  I've never had the urge to kill someone so bad. Mod Gamzee on HSKinHome is JD kin, and I'm pretty sure I'm feeling like we've swapped places.  Hell, I could knock her out with a tray a la Fight For Me, but that'sd take a week's worth observations and planning to find her and the nurse's patterns.  I though about sneaking out of my room at night and strangling her with my blanket, but the nursed would probably catch me. I guess I should let it go for now, play some solitaire, and prep for my meeting.  24 hours remain until we know if Trizza is a true meme lord, so I better get out of here soon.

~Alex


	3. 9/14/17 - 0 Hours Remain (Part 1)

Dear diary,

This is fucking it. Dad claims he wants to make me happy, but he obviously doesn't give a shit.  All of the things that make me happy are being kept from me, and he doesn't care how I feel.  The therapist went on about how "I can only make myself happy", but if you didn't know already, crippling depression and anxiety make it MOTHERFUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. I don't care if I'll be abused, I'm going back to live with mom. I'm going to play Hiveswap, make Undertale sims, audition for Les Miserables, and get voice lessons for the first time in over a year.  He isn't going to take the few things that make me happy away from me.  I'm also not switching schools, starting everything from scratch, and I'm especially not going to a school that doesn't even want me there.  It's also bullshit that Dad thought this place was like Linden Oaks.  If he did his goddamn research, he's see that only the company is the same, not the program. I won't put up with this level-system bullshit any longer, and the fact that they're withholding what I was SPECIFICALLY TOLD TO HAVE ON ME AT ALL TIMES at Linden Oaks is bullshit, and it sets me back further. Anyway, I looked at the blog today and saw that Mod Eridan made a lot of pendulum posts.  For fuck's sake,  could you at least save some for me and use the tag list that took me a GODDAMN HOUR to make? It's not that fucking hard. Anyway, I'm not taking my pills anymore.  They're doing jack shit and it's a waste of money. I hope everyone playing Hiveswap is having fun, and maybe I'll play it soon too.

~Alex


	4. 9/14/17 - 0 Hours Remain (Part 2)

Dear diary,

In the words of the one and only Dirk Strider, "Well this has gone completely fucking pear-shaped.  There's no other way out of it, you're going to have to decapitate me."  Ok, I'll explain.  In my rage of writing, right after "It's not that fucking hard" in the previous entry, I threw my chair into the wall, leaving two holes.  Staff came into my room and told me to change rooms.  They also told me to take an anti-anxiety drug, and I said I would.  In reality, I kept it under my tongue, faked swallowing it, and spat it out into the toilet when I asked to use the bathroom.  They were too dumb to even think of the possibility that I faked it, which my previous hospital didn't fail to overlook.  I obliged to change rooms, unknowing that it didn't have a desk, which meant that all activities keeping my remaining sanity together were thrown out the window.  I consequently lost it, running out of the room and banging on the wall.  They tried to hold me back, but I was stronger and wormed my way out.  They grabbed me again, this time weaker, and two more people grabbed me by my feet.  I kicked enough so they dropped me, but then they pinned me to the ground.  They grabbed me by the neck and wouldn't let go until I made the universal sign for choking, which is an X made out of my hands across my neck.  I went back to my room, still angry and my PTSD triggered since they threatened to use an injectable medicine to calm me down.  They got me another pill, and I tried to fake it again, though someone in the back of the room caught it.  I spat it out, stating that pills never truly helped and that I won't take anymore.  They threatened me with the injection, so I tried to take it.  My throat was closed up, so I choked it out as I ran to the bathroom.  I cried as I said I couldn't swallow it, and as they went to get the injection, my fight-or-flight went into action and I tried to drown myself in the toilet.  They pulled me out of the bathroom by the legs, and threw me onto the bed, hitting my head in the process.  I tried getting away and yelling that I have PTSD, but they wouldn't listen.  One man forcefully turned my head around 90 degrees, and I couldn't breathe and felt my spine coming apart.  Once they let me go, I fell off the bed and onto the ground.  I was stuck leaning against the wall, unable to move or feel anything for at least 15 minutes.  It was very much when Tavros first fell off the cliff, confused, hurt, and scared.  I eventually was able to move my arms, and I tried pushing myself to the bathroom to retrieve my glasses.  A nurse thought I was going to drown myself again, and pulled me away by my legs.  I sat crying for half an hour, and finally ate dinner.  I've finally decided that I'm going to talk to my moirail again and ask if I can move in with her, in case my mom won't take me.  Hopefuily things will go better tomorrow and I can go or get a place at Linden Oaks in Naperville.

~Alex


	5. 9/15/17 - 24 Hours Since the Game

Dear diary,

Fuck this place.  I came here completely healthy, no chance of getting sick, and the minute I come here, I start throwing up and getting cold symptoms.  The nurses say my temperature is fine, but my warm body, chills, and vomit say otherwise.  Also, how long does it take for them to get a wet washcloth?  I stood there for 10 minutes before the nurse stopped talking, and it took another 5 minutes  just for her to run it under some cold water.  They weren't even talking about patients or anything urgent, just about their personal lives. I'm also fed up with this fucking therapist.  I come out of my room with my playing cards in hand, about to ask if I can go into the dayroom.  She asks why I wasn't in group.  Previously, I was in my room resting with a cold compress on my forehead. and as they were doing rounds,  they never bothered to tell me group had started, most likely out of courtesy to let me feel better.  I shortened my answer, and told her I wasn't feeling well.  Then the bitchy therapist says I can't have my sensory items if I'm not in group (which my previous hospital REQUIRED me to have at all times and is the only thing keeping me from going insane).  I explain that I was never told about group, but then the nurse next to her interrupts me and says that I said I wasn't feeling well.  The therapist then told me to put my cards away and go to group, and I said I wouldn't use them and that I'd keep them in my pocket.  She told me to put them in my room.  For clarification, my room is at the very end of a long hallway, and the group room is on the opposite side of said hallway.  By the time I'd make it there, group would be over and I'd have wasted my time.  I told the therapist that it was bullshit, and I flipped her off as I walked to my room, where I'm now writing this.  I better get out of here soon, because I can't take these assholes any longer.

~Alex

P.S. I now know what cat food tastes like.  Don't eat the hospital tuna, kids.


	6. 9/16/17 - 48 Hours Since the Game

Dear diary,

It looks like I'm going to be stuck here longer, and I'm probably going to go insane.  I haven't done anything besides solitaire and my tie blanket in my free time, and the appeal is quickly wearing off.  My dad came for visiting today, but when I brought up going to my mom's (and in turn the Steam Powered Giraffe concert in Lockport and my class ring), he refused to go any further, only worsening my anxiety.  It's like he doesn't even acknowledge how I feel. Onto happier things, one of the new patients is also a Homestuck! She saw my shirt and said she liked it and cosplayed it as well, and we hit it off.  I wish we could've talked longer, but group started, and we aren't allowed to talk to each other during our free time.  It's a bullshit rule that oniy shortens the time until I go insane.  I guess I'll have to wait this shit out for a few more days, and then I'll be free.

~Alex


	7. 9/17/17 - 72 Hours Since the Game

Dear diary,

Nothing super eventful happened today. Dad visited again, and when he brought up school, my anxiety got worse.  Tomorrow is my second family session, and hopefully it'll go well so I can be discharged.  I also reached the requirements for level 2, so I'll finally be able to read.  I also secretly gave the Homestuck girl a note about my blog and a coded ask so we can reconnect once we get out.  I'm just hoping things can be better tomorrow and I can finally get out.

~Alex


	8. 9/18/17 - 4 Days Since the Game (Fuck it, I'm not counting hours)

Dear diary,

I've had it.  Once it get out, I'm going to kill myself once and for all. No one will know until they find my mangled body on the road.  I'm sick of the lies, the pain, the panic attacks, the needles, and the ignorance.  They don't care about me and never will.  The world would be better off without me, and everyone can agree to that.

~Alex


	9. 9/21/17 - 7 Days Since the Game

Dear diary,

Sorry I haven't written in a while.  I've been sleeping almost all the time in the past few days, so not much has happened.  They did move me to Linden Oaks Naperville yesterday, which is a step in the right direction.  I just hope I can get discharged in time so I can see the SPG concert.  I also rewrote an apology letter to Mom, and I hope it can convince her to let me live with her. My family session isn't until Saturday, and Dad won't let me talk to her or allow her to visit, so I can hope he can pass on the message.  It seems like the staff here actually care about me, so hopefully I can make some progress in getting better.

~Alex


	10. 9/22/17 - 8 Days Since the Game

Dear diary,

I can't believe how anxious I am.  The family session can have so many outcomes,  most likely more negative than positive.  I just hope my therapist will give my apology letter to mom, so we can start things on a good note.  Then I can see SPG, and I'll be on my way towards getting better.

~Alex


	11. 9/23/17 - 9 Days Since the Game

Dear diary,

I've finally been discharged, though things aren't going according to plan. I have to live with Dad and leave the school I liked going to behind, and he didn't want to take me to the SPG concert.  He did say he'd make up for it though, which means I'll be able to see them at Anime Midwest next year.  I'm concerned about school though, since he wants me to go to an alternative school, and I don't know how'd that look on a college application.  I also doubt they have theatre classes, which can keep me from getting accepted.  Maybe if I make progress by the end of the semester, I can go back to living with Mom and go to a regular school.  Dad also said he'd get me a new computer with the money from my Grandma Marcy's inheritance, so I can finally play Hiveswap and finish Undertale!  I'd have to start those and Sims 4 from scratch though, which sucks, but it's better than none at all.  I'll be going to outpatient on Monday, and I can get the help I need and make some progress towards getting better.  This marks the end of the Inpatient Diaries, and I hope someone can make use of this.

~Alex


End file.
